Yesterday was a good day. Today I woke up with an uneasy feeling of dread. I've always been told to pray those feelings away and that they're bad spirits... I believe that, but I also believe that we have to suffer through in order to gain strength. My days will be unpredictable to say the least. Ugh. Smiling through pain is unnerving and fake. I wanna wallow in my pity, stay in bed and cry, and ignore the texts and phone calls that carry concern and genuine sympathy. But what good will that do? The world won't stop turning. My kids won't stop growing. The sun will still set and the night will eventually turn to day.
to be honest...
I've been hurt and betrayed by guys that have done nothing worthy to earn my loyalty. In the beginning lies and deceit are always spoon fed. Naively I sit to the table ready to taste something that looks familiar, but hoping its prepared differently... seasoned the way I've always dreamed. Anxiously I sit down with anticipation, wide eyed and gitty...excited. ( O how I love food :) ) But in this anticipation I ignore the signs that I've seen so many times before. In short my body will reject it. Torn down by unsettling nauseousness that brings me to my knees. I start to rack my brain and questioning
" what did I eat? "
" what's made me feel like this? "
Lies that looked appetizing and wrapped in the aromas that fulfilled my senses and satisfied my hunger. Foolish of me to go on thinking this was prepared differently.
Everyone has the right to be given a fair chance, clean slate sort of speak. But I'm the one cleaning my own vomit up because of the bad food that was given. But they walk away satisfied, not looking back, because what I served was satisfying to their mind, body, and spirit. So where do I start? Do I starve myself? Or continue to eat from the familiar plates of poison.
The many emotions I've gone through in the past 2 weeks have been daunting to say the least. Trying to go the way I want, just to be pushed back with the overwhelming sense of "not yet". I feel like a 3 year old throwing a fit and being heart broken by my Dad's firm "No. You'll hurt yourself...you're not big enough yet."... 😳 but I want to. Trusting the growing process. Knowing God knows better than me and believing His way won't fail me. Instant gratification is my down fall. "Yes sir" I have to respond and know that when I am big enough how overjoyed I will be to fit securely in the seat of my greatest desire. More will come, but my opening needs to be vague so I won't rush what is meant to be perfectly paced and properly mended. 💋💔
